Do You Love Yourself?

So cliché, no? Clichés become clichés because they are so true. Your therapist knows his work won’t go far if you don’t love yourself. Let’s start with, do you like yourself? If you met you, would you like you? We need to get all the way to love.  

Real quick, what are three things that you don’t like about yourself? …pause for thinking…Now three things you absolutely love about yourself. If you had no problem with the first list but struggled with the second, I’m speaking to you.  

Your therapist will start with asking you if you think all humans are worthy of love. For the more despicable characters out there, can there be any hope? Can Scrooge ever turn around and be friends with Tiny Tim? If so, he will be quick to point out that you are part of the human race. At least conceptually you must admit that you then are worthy of love. If not, there is some work to be done about how you became so jaded.  

Your therapist will be sizing up both your self-image and self-esteem. They are different, but affect one another. Your self-image is your list of attributes, good and bad, that you believe the world sees. Do you think you are attractive, funny, kind, athletic, smart, charming, charismatic, empathic and so on. Your therapist will place a mirror in front of you. You should know both your good and bad qualities. Your therapist will urge you to appreciate and love your positive traits and practice grace and kindness with your flaws. We all have both. As previously discussed, we can make active changes in our lives to make us proud and change our self-image.  

We can evolve and grow into the best version of ourselves. Self-esteem is built on the concept that all humans deserve love and the pursuit of happiness in their lives. We acknowledge that everyone, including those we admire and love, has ugly flaws, but the overall package makes up for them. Self-esteem is not just telling yourself in the mirror that you are great. It’s believing it.  

Your therapist may want you to work on your relationship with you. Not a typo. Read it again. You build esteem for yourself by actively doing things that you admire. Be nicer. Take risks to put yourself out there. Make a financial plan. Give a compliment.

If you were mad and disgusted at a friend, the only way to mend the relationship would be to forgive the person and ask that they do something different. The same must be done in your relationship with yourself. Your therapist doesn’t want you to say you love yourself but to come to love yourself.  

Forgiving yourself can be difficult and it often takes time. Anger is the first layer to surpass. You may be angry at yourself for what you’ve done or for the role you played in your current circumstances. You may feel that you don’t deserve to be forgiven. Holding on to that anger prevents you from changing and moving forward. Once you accept that you are going to be upset with yourself for a while, guilt and shame are often the next layer. Why did you let this happen? What kind of person would do X?

Why would you choose to forgive someone who wronged you? Let’s take a spouse who cheated on you. You consider this deceptive, hurtful, selfish, and reprehensible behavior. You are hurt beyond measure and also angry that he did something to disrupt your relationship. What motive would you possibly have to try to forgive him? The answer is obvious. Overall, you think that he is a good person who made a very bad mistake and brings happiness to your life. You know if you get past this, you might have many years of continued happiness.

You must accept that forgiveness is the first step toward building a new future. One in which you won’t make the same mistakes. You agree to forgive before you start to feel warm toward the person who wronged you.

Have you ever worn someone else’s clothes? They feel wrong and awkward. Either baggy or too tight. If you leave the house, you may feel like others notice. This is what it can feel like when taking those first steps to be different and more in line with a person you would love. You may not trust it yet. Just like forgiving your friend and asking them to do something different, it's going to take a few positive interactions before that previous hurt dissipates. Your therapist wants you to put on those clothes. 

If your therapist asks you if you would talk to anyone else the way you talk to yourself, now you understand why. You can only love yourself if you are kind to yourself. No relationship is loving if it consists of verbal abuse, put-downs, constant blame, and contempt. Your therapist wants you to work on your relationship with you. 

Feel better, y’all!