Are You Proud of Yourself (and Should You Be)?

              Think your therapist is going to convince you that you should love yourself as you are? NOT THIS ONE! I want you to become a person you respect and love. When you sit across from me in session and tell me you hate yourself, I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to sit with you and figure out how to get back on track!

              Poor self-esteem is a common presenting concern in therapy. You may think your therapist will ask you to look in the mirror and say “you are beautiful and worthy of love” five times every morning. She will tell you to start putting sticky notes on your desk and in your car with inspirational quotes related to your value and uniqueness. Although therapists do work to dispel old beliefs related to self-loathing, your therapist’s main goal is for you to grow into the human you think you should be.

              This generates good self-esteem. Not just telling yourself that you are wonderful but doing something wonderful. This causes us to like ourselves and be proud of ourselves. Imagine someone you admire. Think to yourself why it is that you revere them. Maybe they are confident, kind, good with words, and often the leader of the group. Possibly it is someone who writes books you enjoy or holds an office that has done good in this world. Or maybe it is someone with a talent that they have crafted and share with the world. You should be able to quickly come up with the reasons you like them or what you admire. Now think about yourself. What makes you great?

              If you are drawing a blank, that’s a problem. But fortunately, there is a solution. You need to do more of what you think makes someone a good, admirable human being. This is different for everyone and requires us to assess our values. What do you think is important in this life? Is it being kind to others? Making a difference in the world? Finding joy and spreading it? Making a family and holding this as top priority? Your religious convictions? I could go on and on. Your therapist is going to be steering you to a very easy formula. The more you can live a life YOU think is worthwhile and respectable, the more you will like yourself.

              Should you be proud of yourself? This makes certain religious members uncomfortable. Others may believe this borders on narcissism. Humility concerns how you relate yourselves to others. Your therapist wants you to 1) know what it is you think your life should look like and 2) be proud of the steps you make toward living this life. When we live a life, or even in part make decisions, that are not consistent with what we believe is honorable we create dissonance. This dissonance, if persistent enough, causes depression and anxiety and ultimately self-loathing. Your therapist wants you to get back on track and live a life that you can be proud of.

              Many people don't hate themselves because they're too hard on themselves. They hate themselves because they aren't living according to their own standards.

Feel better, y’all!