Your Therapist Might Be Wondering: Are You Good at Relationships?

If your car broke down, how many people could you call for help without feeling guilty? Not acquaintances. Not Facebook friends. How many would jump out of bed at a momen’ts notice and not be annoyed? Take a second and see how long your list of reliable loved ones is. We live in a sea of acquaintances. How many close connections do you have?

A personal belief of mine, working with people in therapy for over 15 years, is that regardless of what a client’s presenting concern is, we can improve their life if we can improve his relationships. Humans have come together in societies since the dawn of man. We have learned that there is safety in numbers. If cast out of a society, that person had a much lower survival rate. We no longer need each other for survival, but we do still need each other.

It’s a red flag to me when a patient tells me they are a loner. That tells me that they have given up on human connection and have foreclosed that they are happy being an outcast. This is when I start to pepper them with questions trying to get at what might be getting in their way of making and keeping friendships.

Multiple factors hinder our relationships with one another that can be addressed in therapy. Poor self-esteem leads us to be skeptical that others want to be connected to us. Thus we develop fewer relationships and continue relationships that are unhealthy for us as we fear we can do no better. Childhood wounds from bullying can continue in adulthood as we question our own worth.

Social anxiety is another culprit. Anxiety affects us in two ways: how we think and how we feel in our bodies. When we approach connection with others, we look for compatibility and attraction (not sexual) to the other. Feeling anxious in this situation can cause us to seem aloof, guarded, disinterested, or odd. Meanwhile, that person is thinking that you and everyone else are critiquing him. He questions what to say and how to say it. Communication becomes more difficult as they are preoccupied with worries. The socially anxious learn quickly that this is the norm and avoid social situations, thus avoiding people.

Social skills are an aptitude that varies among humans. Thankfully social skills can be taught. Therapy is a good venue for this education. Role-playing is a common strategy we use to teach social skills but also practice to reduce anxiety in the moment. The therapist can be a safe partner to monitor social mistakes the individual makes and point them out in a kind way.

Of equal importance is emotional intelligence. This is your ability to understand what emotions are coming up for you but also for those with whom you are interacting. Those with poor emotional intelligence inadvertently step on emotional landmines that cause others to explode and threaten the relationship. This is the friend who tells you that losing a dog is not worth crying about. Or the coworker who continues to tell off-color jokes when others in the room are clearly getting upset. Similar to social skills, emotional intelligence can be taught and practiced.

Therapists use the relationship that they have with you as a patient in the moment to highlight these weaknesses. We might stop the conversation and share, “when you said ‘I wouldn’t get it’, I had a reaction to that. Can we talk about it?” The therapist knows, that if she is having a reaction to the way the person communicates, likely others are as well. Again, we have created a safe and confidential space to explore and learn in vivo from these missteps in human connection.

It’s important to recognize that there are many different relationships that we have and we might be better at some than others. Are we a good husband, son, father, co-worker, friend, boss, citizen? The therapist is looking to identify if there are relationships that you value that need tending to. It may be that you have written off your sister and decided to no longer engage in that relationship. Your therapist respects that if you believe there is no hope in reconciliation. However, at times we step away from relationships out of anger and then don’t know how to return when the storm has passed. Most of us could work on our marriage, our friendships, our work relationships. How does your therapist help with this if they don’t know the other party? It is quite simple: we ask our patients to consider how they might nourish that relationship. Is it a phone call once a week? A love note? An act of service. Prioritizing spending time together. These acts tend to improve relationships. Improving relationships enhances our own quality of life.

So when your therapist asks you about your social circle, be honest. Your life satisfaction and overall happiness can be quickly improved by something that seems simple.

Schedule the lunch date.

Make the long overdue phone call (not a text). Even better, write a handwritten letter!

Give a loved one a small gift.

Our human connections are integral to ongoing happiness. But they require nurturing.

Feel better, y’all!